The Empty Nest Christmas Blues

Dear Kristin,

As the holiday season presses down upon us, I’m once again reminded of how much I hate shopping. I’m the world’s biggest sufferer of Buyer’s Remorse because I regret 75% of my purchases immediately after I’ve made them (except for the books I buy for myself–I almost never regret those).

The dawn of the digital era has made shopping for Christmas gifts even harder, especially when you’re shopping for young people, whose entire lives seem like they’re lived digitally. How do you wrap digital gifts and put them under the tree? How do you gussy up bytes? Exactly where do you stick on the bows?

The other issue that comes up for me–not just with the kids, actually, but Clifton, too–how do you buy for people who have the annoying tendency of saving up their money and buying what they want for themselves? With Clifton, it’s cameras; with Jack and Will, it’s mostly clothes. 

I don’t have the answers, and I’m hoping you do. The boys are getting to the age where–well, first of all, where they’re not boys. They’re young men. You can’t just dump a load of Tonka trucks on them and call it Christmas. But it’s hard to back away from the Christmas morning excess and expectations–look at all of those presents under last year’s tree! So how do we transition to a grown-up Christmas? One that’s more about the experience than the gifts? That’s what I haven’t figured out yet.

I did get a great idea for a gift for Jack, who’s setting up shop in his own apartment. My dental hygienist mentioned that she recently put together a book of favorite family recipes for her adult children–such a great idea! Jack’s always enjoyed cooking and baking, and there are certain dishes I’ve made over the years that he’s loved, including Moo Shu pork, chicken and dumplings, and my super duper lasagne, recipe courtesy of the noodle box. I’m thinking about putting together a gift box that includes recipes and some of the shelf stable ingredients that go with them.

Speaking of Jack, here’s something that might put a damper on our Christmas experience this year: As you know, Jack’s a bartender at a fancy pants inn, and there’s a good chance he’ll have to work all day on Christmas. Last week we had to move our turkey feast to the day before Thanksgiving to accommodate his work schedule; are we going to end up celebrating Christmas on the 23rd? I don’t think I can do it–but I also don’t think I can do Christmas without Jack here. We’ll figure it out, but it might be a very strange holiday indeed.

Tell me about your Christmas transitions now that the nest is empty. What traditions have you held onto, and which ones have you let go?

xoFrances

Dear Frances,

Oh boy, do I hear you on this one! I hate to say it out loud, but I find gift buying very stressful. In the past, I’ve dealt with this anxiety by overbuying. Always worried that one child or another would be less than absolutely delighted on Christmas morning, I would just keep adding things to the shopping cart, much of it completely unnecessary.

I’ve really tried to curb that tendency in the last few years. Although I’ve been told that as soon as kids hit the teenage years, all they want is money, that never happened in our family. And I’m glad, I still want that magical mess of a Christmas morning with lots of presents under the tree and wrapping paper everywhere. I definitely miss the Christmas mornings of our child-raising years, complete with a full morning of putting toys together and always coming up short on the number of batteries required. All those lego sets, Nerf guns, American girl outfits, and so many books. Sigh. But if I’ve learned anything as a parent, it’s that every age had its blessings. So while I miss those days, I’m no longer stepping on legos, finding Nerf darts in the washing machine, or hunting down Samantha’s hair bow.

I certainly don’t have the answer, but shopping is a bit easier these days just because my young adult kids tend to want things with a higher price tag, which means there are fewer gifts to shop for. The problem is that they often don’t know what they want (which I understand because I don’t know what I want anymore either!) I try to get them thinking about it in late October and up the pressure around Thanksgiving. Our formula these days is one “wow” gift (think higher-end clothes, tech or musical equipment, etc.) and a few other fun things to round it out like books, games, wallets, clothes, etc.

Honestly, there are not too many surprises anymore on Christmas morning, unlike when they were little. We all make our Amazon wish lists and send each other links. I know that some people find that a cop-out, but I would much rather get them what they want than try to guess and come up short. I do try to have a few surprises under the tree for each person, just to keep that magical Christmas feeling alive, but it gets harder every year.

One problem that I hadn’t anticipated is how to scale back Christmas giving as the kids leave the nest and are officially “launched” while maintaining the “big” Christmas for the kid still in school. I was actually told by the two oldest kids that it was time to “treat Christmas more like a birthday” for them. (I thought this was a good way to look at it, at least for our family). I’m trying that this year, and I know it needs to happen, but it feels awkward! I don’t want anyone to be disappointed on Christmas!

Over the last few years, I’ve started to ask the kids which traditions they enjoy and which don’t really fit anymore. We’ve let a few things go, including reading a ridiculous number of Christmas books on Christmas Eve, which makes me a little sad. But we still make hot chocolate and walk around looking at the Christmas lights and watch Die Hard (it’s a Christmas movie!). I even decided last year to stop sending Christmas cards, after 25 years! Honestly, that one is a huge relief. I imagine that we will find new traditions that fit this season of life for us, I just need to remember to not hold on too tight to things that just don’t work anymore with three grown kids.

I imagine we will find our way through trial and error through this one. For now, I’m just thrilled that they will all be home for Christmas, and I hope that Jack will be home for yours as well!

xo, Kristin